Fire Emblem On Crack
by The Dark Deceiver
Summary: Watch as I tell the tale of Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword, and shamelessly BUTCHER the characters' personalities and the plot.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer!**

**Prologue: A Girl from the (hellish) plains.**

* * *

"Hello. Are you awake?"

Mark's eyes opened to behold a stunningly beautiful girl in front of him. He slowly sat up, unsure of his surroundings. He seemed to be in a small hut. A VERY small hut. There was one room, that was it. And one bed...

"I found you unconscious on the plains" the girl said, smiling as Mark got off the bed and stood up, "I am Lyn, of the Lorca Tribe. You're safe now."

"Uh, thanks." Mark said slowly. Lyn smiled sweetly at him, and continued to speak; "Who are you? Can you remember your name?"

"My name is Mark," he said, and Lyn tilted her head slightly, "Mark? What an odd-sounding name. I don't like it! From now on, I'm calling you Sexy!"

"Wait, what?!" Mark exclaimed in shock, but Lyn put one finger to his lips and shushed him. "Now, since I saved your life, it belongs to me. As of now, you are my Tactician, and will follow me wherever I go, regardless of how you feel!"

Mark sputtered in indignation, but Lyn ignored him, looking sharply at the entrance to her hut. "Did you hear that? Sexy, stay here."

"WAIT!" Mark practically yelled, but it was too late, Lyn had left...

Only to immediately re-enter, crashing into Mark. She rubbed her head gingerly, then looked around. "Sexy, where are you?"

"Down here." a voice grumbled, and Lyn looked down to see herself sitting on Mark's back as he lay sprawled on the ground.

"Oh. Well, we've got trouble! Bandits! They must have come down from the mountains! I have to stop them! If that's all of them, I think I can handle them. You're coming with me!"

She dragged Mark out and pointed him in the direction of the bandits. All two of them. Mark just stared, as Lyn drew her sword and yelled "ATTACK!" and ran at them.

* * *

"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it Sexy?" Lyn said cheerfully as she sheathed her sword, covered in blood. Mark, more pale than usual, just looked at the woman in front of him. Was she even human?!

Well, the blood actually did wonders for her looks, especially for her hair...Mark shook his head. No, no thoughts like that!

Mark sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose, then spoke, "Look, Lyn was it? Uh, can we-" "Good work, Sexy! Let's go home!" Lyn interrupted him, grabbing his hand and dragging him to her hut, with Mark spluttering all the way.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**_ After a year long hiatus, I'm BACK baby! However, I'm still having a few issues with my writing, not to mention my wrists, but that won't stop me. I'll be updating my fanfics more often (hopefully) while I write out this crackfic to keep me going.  
_

_Chapter lengths may vary for this fanfic, while I'll try to write out longer ones for my other works._


	2. Chapter One: Footsteps of Fear

**Chapter One: Footsteps of Fear.**

* * *

"Sexy, over here!" Mark groaned as he felt the leash around his neck tug him towards the bane of his existence. Lyn stood there, smiling grandly. The girl wasn't bad looking, and her smile was as illuminating as the sun. Her personality however...

"Sexy, this is Bulgar, the largest city in Sacae! Oh, and this is for you." Lyn handed Mark a small silver band, with what looked like mini-chains attached to it.

"What's this?" Mark asked, almost dreading the answer. Lym's smiled increased, to scary proportions. "It's a slave band! You wear it on your ringer finger, and it shows that you're the personal belonging of the one who gave it to you!"

Mark raised an eyebrow, "Subtle Lyn, real subtle." Lyn blushed, and started to say something, when she was interrupted; "Oh, my heart! What a dazzling vision of loveliness!"

Suddenly a young man in green armor came running out of nowhere, and stopped in front of the pair. He immediately knelt down on one knee and grabbed Lyn's hand in his own, placing his other hand over his heart, and smiled up at her, _sparkling_.

"Let's cut straight to the chase! Bare my children!" Lyn blushed and looked away.

"No, I can't! I've already sworn to have Sexy's babies, whether he wants me to or not!"

The young man looked over at Mark, and smiled. "You're pretty nice too." he said in a sultry voice.

The colour in Mark's face drained.

"SAIN!" a voice yelled out, making them all jump, as another young man, this one in red armor came storming up_._

"WHAT do you think you're doing?" the newcomer demanded, literally shooting daggers out of his eyes at his companion.

"Well Kent, my dear, I saw this beautiful goddess here, and just had to ask her to have my children. Her companion is also wonderful, isn't he?"

Mark unconsciously hid himself behind Lyn, who seemed to realize the weight of the knight's words.

"Yeah, no, sorry but we've gotta get going! Besides, Sexy's mine, bye now!" Lyn grabbed Mark and sped off out of Bulgar, leaving a trail of dust behind that both knights could follow.

Which of course they did.

* * *

"Well, hello there, _Lyndis_." the bandit leader sneered at Lyn, who stard back at him, unimpressed. "Yeah, I'm Lyndis, granddaughter of the ruler of Caelin. Got a problem with that, ugly?"

The bandit continued to sneer at her, before saying; "Such a waste. An absolute waste. The things I'll do for gold. Ah, well. Time to die, darlin'! C'mon out, boys!"

Bandits suddenly poured out of nowhere and surrounded Mark and Lyn. While Mark started to wonder how they were going to get out of this mess, Lyn lowered her gaze to the ground, and grinned viciously, showing her sharp teeth.

"So, all of you against me eh? You truly wish to die that much? Very well then, allow me to show you exactly how I managed to live by myself for a full year."

Lyn's sword leaped from its sheath and sprung into her hand. She grabbed Mark and pulled him close to her, and dashed towards the nearest bandit, splitting his body in half. The other bandits stared in horror at the carnage, and drew their weapons.

Suddenly, one bandit grew a lance from his left eye. He stared at it for a second, dumbfounded. "Excuse me, handsome, but you're supposed to fall down and die."

"Oh." the bandit said, before doing just that. There, behind him, was the green knight from the city, Sain. Next to him was Kent.

"Excuse me, m'lady, but may we assist you?" Lyn's feral grin grew wider, and she nodded. "Yes, Sexy and I shall lead! CHARRRRRRGE!"

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Mark said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took in the information he had just heard while staring at the blood-soaked trio in front of him, "Lyn is actually the granddaughter of the Marquess of Caelin, a land in Lycia, which makes up half the continent of Elibe? And she's being hunted by her granduncle because he thinks she wants to steal his...?"

"His bromide collection." Kent deadpanned.

Mark sighed, and shook his head. "I'm not cut out for this." Lyn beamed a smile at him and drew him close.

"Don't worry, Sexy, everything will be fine! Once we get to Caelin, I'll murder my granduncle and claim the throne for myself. Then no one can come between you and I!"

Mark wished he would die.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_I in no way endorse Sain's lifestyle and behavior. I just wrote him like that because Rule of Funny. And because he's a huge flirt.  
_


	3. Chapter Two: Sword of violence

**Chapter Two: Sword of violence.**

* * *

"Sexy, hold a moment and allow me a detour." Lyn said, causing Mark to scream. This was the _sixth _time she wanted to take a detour, and he was about ready to explode!

"There's a shrine nearby that I wanted to visit and pray at."

Mark breathed deeply, then sighed. "Fine, whatever you want." he said in resignation.

As the group made their way to the shrine, they were unaware that they were being followed.

* * *

"Sexy, this is the shrine of the Mani Cutti! It's the most famous sword in all of Sacae!"

"Mani...Cutti?" Kent asked, three large question marks raising above his head. Lyn beamed a million watt smile.

"Yep! The sword is said to be waiting for its master, someone with a great love of violence and bloodshed! I pray there every time I have to make a long trip, such as to Bulgar, the shrine, or the bathroom!"

"Oh, how quaint!" Sain piped up from the back, where he had been forced to walk after he kept flirting with everyone they passed by.

The group entered the shrine, and Lyn walked up to the Mani Cutti's altar and knelt down.

"Oh Mani Cutti, please protect us on this incredibly long journey we are about to take. And please allow me to bare Sexy's children."

"Hey!"

Before Mark could protest any further, the doors were kicked in, and an incredibly generic Mercenary came swaggering in as if he owned the place.

"HEAR ME, I AM GLASS!" he shouted, even though everyone within earshot were standing right there, staring at him, "I have come for the Manni Cutti! It is only fitting, seeing as I am the most violent and bloodthirsty warrior in all Sacae!"

Lyn slowly stood up and turned to the man, a smile forming.

"Oh, you think you're the most violent warrior in all of Sacae? That's cute. Tell me, is your name Glass because of how easily you break?"

"How dare you?" Glass shouted, drawing his sword, "I'll kill you for that!"

"Oh? Well then, little man, by all means," Lyn drew her sword, grinning sadistically, "Come and kill me."

* * *

_One violent, bloodstained scene later._

* * *

Mark, Sain, and Kent stared in horror at the carnage they had bore witness to. Really, it was a shame if anybody had missed THAT battle!

Lyn, caked in Glass' blood, turned towards her companions and the priest, who had suspiciously been absent up until now, and cheerfully smiled.

"Hey, I'm taking the Mani Cutti with me, k thanks bye!"

Lyn grabbed the sword, which flashed red, and walked out, twirling the thing and whistling cheerfully as she went, leaving the others to run after her.

The priest looked at the mess that had been left at his shrine, and sighed, then gave a feral smile. Ah, at last, time for him to feast!


	4. Chapter Three: Band of Maniacs

**Chapter Three: Band of Maniacs.**

* * *

Lyn and her group had finally made it to the Bern mountains, after a harrowing week of them getting lost, due to Lyn's terrible sense of direction.

They stopped by a ruined village for a brief rest, and to see if there was anything left that was worth taking. Mark surveyed the remains grimly.

"This entire area is in ruins. Isn't there anyone who governs here?"

"Of course not, silly," Lyn replied cheerfully, grabbing a pouch of gold from a man's corpse, "This area belongs to the Taliver Bandits!"

"Who are they?" Kent asked, while Sain grabbed a doll from a child's hands and begin rubbing it across his face, only to be slapped by said corpse, which grabbed the doll and laid back down.

"They're the most ruthless and vicious bandits around, which isn't saying a lot since all the bandits around here suck and are weak."

"OK then." Kent replied, slowly backing away from the village. Suddenly, a high pitched scream tore through the air.

"M'lady, a woman's being attacked!" Kent yelled. They all took off in the direction of the scream, as it ripped through the air again.

Rounding the corner, they saw two bandits near a young woman, who looked like a Pegasus Knight...

Who was currently holding the larger of the two bandits up in the air by his throat, glaring at him as he screamed again.

"Say that again, SAY IT AGAIN ASSHOLE." the woman snarled, twirling her spear and pointing it at the man's manhood.

"Florina!" Lyn cried happily, charging headlong into the clearing. The girl turned and looked at Lyn, before dropping the bandit and running towards Lyn, as Always by Erasure begin playing from nowhere.

"What are you doing here?" Lyn asked once the moment had (thankfully) passed.

"Actually, I was looking for you. I had heard that you had picked up three strange men, and I wanted in on the action too! I flew down to this village to ask about you, when I ran that man over there with Huey. He dared to ask me to apologize, so I decided to teach the little wretch a lesson."

"Wait, wasn't your Pegasus' name Makar?" Lyn asked in confusion, looking at said animal.

"No, her name's always been Huey."

"Wait, her? I thought she was male!"

"Nope."

"Odd," Lyn said, then shook her head, "Oh well, doesn't matter. So, I've recently discovered that I'm of noble birth, so I'm off to murder my granduncle, steal his stash of bromides that he thinks I'm after, and take over Caelin. Want to come?"

"Sure!" Flornia said, then spotted Mark, "Hey, who's that cutie over there?"

"Oh, that's Sexy, my Tactician."

"He sure is." Flornia said with a sly smile.

Before things could get out of hand any further, they were suddenly attacked by bandits. It seems that once a girl isn't threatening them with death, they found their courage again.

"Oh, looks like there's another battle to be had." Lyn said, her trademark sadistic smile showing up. Slowly she drew her new blade, the Mani Cutti, and licked its edge.

"Alright, you guys take out the weaklings over there. I'm going to visit that village there for no reason whatsoever other than to grab a new recruit, then we're going to have some _fun._"

With that, Lyn entered the village, and grabbed the nearest villager.

"Hey you, you're an Archer, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah." Wil replied, slightly confused.

"Good, you're now part of my band of slaves!"

"Sounds good to me!" Wil replied, as cheerful as always, even in the game.

Lyn left the village, Wil in tow, and looked about. Some of the bandits had been picked off, and now her party were standing about, waiting for her. Sain was flirting with Flornia, who was ignoring him, and talking to Mark.

"So, Sexy, you're a Tactician, aren't you? Well, I may be a Pegasus Knight, but I'm also a lady of the night. Normally I charge a Blue Gem for my services, but for you, I'll make an exception."

Mark slowly backed away, only to bump into Lyn, who was standing there, smiling cheerfully at Flornia, even as she drew the Mani Cutti.

"Flornia, my dear friend, let me say this once: Sexy is mine. Understand?"

"Oh? He doesn't look like he's wearing a ring on his hand, now does he? That's means he's up for grabs!"

Both women readied their weapons, only to turn and cut down the bandits that had been sneaking up on them. Lyn turned to Flornia, and shrugged.

"We'll settle this later. For now, there's bandits to kill."

* * *

"So, Flornia, Wil, we'll be leaving now." Lyn said, tossing her bloodstained ponytail behind her.

"OK, we'll come with you then!" Wil said happily. Sain spotted him, and leaned on Wil's shoulder, and smiled.

"Why, hello there. What's your name?"

Mark sighed and slowly inched away from the group. He wasn't sure he could take much more of this.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_I'm beginning to think that with the way this fanfic is headed, I'll have to change the rating from T to M._


End file.
